


"Don't squat with yer spurs on."

by Royalrastafariannaynays



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Christmas Gift Fic, Cowboy Kink, Crack, Gratuitous Smut, M/M, NOT petplay, POV Dave Strider, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Tentabulges, There is a saddle involved, Toy Story References, and quotes woody a lot lmao, dave has an ironic cowboy kink, ironic, not really tho its like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 12:45:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9072277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Royalrastafariannaynays/pseuds/Royalrastafariannaynays
Summary: Dave has a real smart-ass, bright-and-shiny idea to input in their personal sex life. It involves a cowboy hat, and a little bit of flannel. And a bandana. And chaps. Maybe boots. Karkat goes with it. It's just as hot as anything else. It's a little tragic how they think everything the other does is irresistibly sexy.Giftfic!





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SadVegeta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadVegeta/gifts).



> belated giftfic!

“Yeehaw,” you pant, cowboy hat falling off your head and plaid shirt rucked up to your armpits. “Giddy, haah, up pardner!”

You can almost _feel_ Karkat roll his eyes from above you. 

“Jesus Christ, Dave,” he bemoans you from the nape of your neck, and you find a smirk going up onto your face because you just _know_ he actually thinks it’s funny. 

Not sexy, most likely, God no. Not Karkat. But he does it for you. He does anything and everything for you. 

His hands are making their way back up your chest from where they’ve just been making good use of your assless chaps. 

“We’ve gotta get,” you moan as he re-finds your nipple piercings, tugging on one and rubbing one oil-slicked finger across the other. You’re using a light mockery of the accent you already have. And he’s nonplussed. Trying to get you to shut up.

“This wagon train,” you try to continue, burst into giggles that crest upwards on a cry as he very determinedly fondles your nipples while pressing his unsheathed but pants-covered bulge into your crack.

“A-movin’!” you finish, somehow managing to get the entire quote out before he shakily sighs, decides you’re apparently not flustered enough, and takes both of the wrists you’re using to brace yourself into his grip. Karkat pulls your hands up, and pushes your lower half more firmly up against the leather you’re bent over. With his hips. 

That’s important to mention.

“Where did you get this saddle you’re leaning into, anyway?” he says into the hollow beneath your ear. His harsh consonants and broad vowels. Clicking undertones and tired glottal stops. 

Instead of answering, you just tip back, grinding the lower back strap of your thong against his crotch. 

“Reach, for the sky,” you hum, and Karkat chokes a little before using his spare hand to grip your hip, and rock himself forward against you a little more... firmly. Not too forcefully, though. Not tonight. Not usually, for Karkat. Unless you really want it. He always likes to make you happy. And it goes both ways.

But his claws just oh so barely prick your skin, and you find yourself sighing again. 

You’re already open, you want him. 

The whole thing was prepared, for some weak attempt at irony and a bad joke about “rasslin’ bulls” that Karkat barely appreciated, and ‘would probably be more suited for someone like Tavros, with the bigger horns, if you ever found someone else to put up with you, you adorable asshole’. But when Karkat came up to where you were straddling, gently rolling your hips to an unheard stereo system on the saddle on the side of the bed, draped in a _probably_ sexy way, his eyes were burning. Like always. Like you predicted. 

You’d made sure to set up a specific spotlight to glint off the Sheriff Badge.

And damn, if he didn’t dismount you from it and get a hand on your dick posthaste. 

Karkat knows you’re ready, with all the attention you’d gotten from his fingers earlier. 

You know what he’s after when he turns your wrists to pin them to your back, and bends you a good ninety degrees. Right angle, brosef, math time. Let’s get this show on the road. 

You gasp with arousal when he manages to push your dick up against the saddle again, just as it twitches. 

Pure coincidence. Pure fucking coincidence. 

But fucking hell if he doesn’t muffle a chuckle at your throaty moan. 

The hand that’s not holding your wrists slides in a line up your spine, carving a hot line up underneath your rucked-up, open flannel shirt, and the loosened bandana around your neck. Fingers twist into your hair, knocking your hat askew and off onto the bed. 

Your head is very gently tilted back as the hand in your hair pulls. 

And you feel the slickness of a bulge pushing aside your thong, and searching at your entrance. 

“Mmph,” you moan, gasping open-mouthed as Karkat’s hot agony enters you. 

It slides in tantalizingly slow, catching on its sections, bumped ridges along the underside catching on the edges of your hole before popping easily in. 

One long, slowly releasing moan follows, and Karkat has a grunt or two of his own as you clench around him, for him. He releases your hair, and lets your head hang as he uses his spare hand for leverage to bottom out inside you. 

“There’s a,” you twitch, eyes closed, panting down toward the bed. 

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he warns, but you’re two boots deep in a shit hole and the ball is rolling. 

You look back at him enough to smirk, see his expression of blank disbelief and outrage, sinfully coupled with arousal. 

And even as he’s reaching to shove fingers in your mouth to muffle you. 

“There’s a snake in my ass,” you croon at him. 

And Karkat sighs, releasing your wrists to frame your hips with both his hands. You expect it, but don’t even _really_ know it’s coming when he pulls out and slams back in. Ridges and all. 

It’s a lot, all at once, and you cry out in something like fucking ecstasy when his bulge twists inside you, hitting all the good points at once. 

Karkat groans as you writhe, clamping down hungrily, and does it again. 

He sets a brutal pace, and you revel in it as much as you’re overwhelmed by it. Mostly, on his part, it’s small thrusts and firmly decided grinding. Tentabulges aren’t great for full-throttle human-style fucking. But it’s still mind-breaking, and you’re ground forward, dick popping out over the top of your thong and rubbing up on the saddle.

He’s finally shut you up, it seems, kissing what he can reach of the back of your neck, making little white lines with his claws on your skin. 

Moaning weakly, interspersed with whines, you find yourself wanting it to last so long. 

But you can also feel yourself coming to a cusp. 

And Karkat speeds his pace, a deep and throbbing clicking filling his every moment. You’d half expect him to start vibrating or rubbing his legs together, for all the fucking cicada noises, 

But it makes your skin sensitize, the tiny vibrations sending shocks up and down your legs and arms. Right to the shit-kicking boots and the fingerless roping gloves it took you for _ever_ to find. 

Karkat pulls back a little, but pulls you with him. It sets a new angle, your back arches, and he hits your prostate with every fucking move. It’s punishing, and you’re moaning like a five cent whore in the Wild Wild West, and he’s groaning in return, and everything rushes forward to hit you at once. 

The orgasm explodes from you, splattering white across the saddle. That’s gonna be a chore to clean. But… yeah. You wrapped that part. Thank god, oh holy shit, holy _fucking shit_ —

Karkat is coming, warmth filling your ass and dripping out around his bulge. 

He’s moaning softly, and keeps gently rocking, barely going in and out as material pumps into you. It sets you shivering, an uncharacteristic drop of moisture sinking from the corner of your lip. 

It’s not as much as it could be, considering how he gets around his mating season, but it’s enough to make a fucking mess. 

As he finishes, his bulge deflates and retracts back into its sheath. 

You’re left there, shaking slightly with his too-warm form half slumped over your back. Wide open, a gentle moan leaving you oh so slowly as his genetic material drips down your thighs. 

Oh Jesus. 

Oh Jesus lord. 

But you’ve got one more. 

Slapping the saddle, you cry out gleefully as possible with your current state.

“Somebody poisoned—“

“DON’T—“

“The water hole!”

“God fucking damnit Dave.”

“I’m lucky you love me?” you ask, laughing as much as you can with as little breath as you currently have. 

“Damn right. Fuck.” 

You snicker, trying to regain your breath. 

“I love you too,” you tell him. 

Karkat kisses the back of your neck.

**Author's Note:**

> Been wanting to write something this fun for awhile, haha. And it was. So much fucking hilarious fun. and hey! i replaced the porn i deleted with something i dont feel gross about! self care!
> 
> I hope yall had as much fun reading this as i had writing it, hahaha. took a break from serious stuff and im glad i did! next thing to come out will be another giftfic, belated! stay tuned! 
> 
> lmk if there are any tags i should put in here that i missed and happy new year in a few days!


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